The God who serves us

This morning.

Little waves of suffering crashing in, one after the other.
Sick daughters.
The little girl who wakes up too early and is cranky and tired still. 
The demanding preschooler who cannot wait one more minute for her oatmeal to be ready.
Crying children--who feel like my own personal mini- tyrants-- melting down after every. little. thing.  (It is only 7:57 am, people!)

Swollen joints and aching muscles. It has been like this all week--flare after flare.
Exhaustion. Sleeplessness after days of caring for sick little ones. Pain.

And then the slightly bigger waves of temptation.
Tempted...
...To be bitter at my girls for not appreciating what I do for them, for not knowing how to wait, for crying after every bite of food, making it difficult to know what is even wrong or how I can help.
...To Anger. Impatience.
...To be irritated at my (wonderful) husband for continuing to get ready to go to work and not dropping everything to stay home from work with me (because no one said bitterness is rational).
...To be jealous that my husband gets to leave to go to work and not hear the crying and the whining.
...And sadly, tempted to be bitter even at my God.
The cry threatens to rise deep within me: "Do you not care? Do you not see? Is my day hidden from you?"

Another voice counteracts. God is the God who sees (Gen. 16: 13). My way is not hidden from the Lord (Is. 40: 27). He is the everlasting God, who does not grow faint, but rather gives power to the faint... like me.

But both those voices fight inside me. I know what is true. Yet I want to hold on to my bitterness. I want to have a right to self pity. I want to have a reason to demand something.

Ultimately, the question that is in my heart is, "Who cares for me as I care for my family? Who gives me what I need?"

Have you felt that way? Have similar voices competed in your heart? You don't have to be a biological mom to experience this. If you are investing in others-- mentoring, discipling, care taking for the elderly or for a dear one with disabilities--do you ever wonder? Who takes care of my needs? Who encourages my heart? Who pampers me?!

Mark 10:43-45 teaches us a sweet and powerful truth:

"Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

So you and I can cling to this: Christ is serving us so we can serve our families or those in our care. These verses are not mainly a call for us to serve. They are not primarily there to show us the example of Christ as a servant so we are motivated to serve. They are there to remind us the power that is ours as we seek to serve. By dying on the cross for us and forgiving us our sins, by rising up from the dead into new life and giving us new life in Him, by constantly praying for us before our Father, Jesus is always serving us so we can obey and lay down our lives so others can live. I love how John Piper puts it:

"Here is a general truth to ponder and believe: every time Jesus commands something for us to do, it is his way of telling us how he wants to serve us. Let me say it another way: the path of obedience is the place where Christ meets us as our servant to carry our burdens and give us his power."(The Dawning of Indestructible Joy, p. 56)

Christ, serving us?! Maybe you too like Peter want to say, "Lord, YOU wash my feet??" Who are we that Christ would serve US?  We are not worthy that the King of Glory would wash our feet. But He has loved his own to the end (John 13: 1). He washed us with His blood for the forgiveness of our sins and took all our sins away. He is daily washing our feet, forgiving us. We can give life to others, in the midst of difficult circumstances, because He is breathing His life into us, and giving us His strength.

By His grace, we don't have to be bitter or anger or jealous. Who cares for us? Jesus, the King of Glory, meet us as our servant to carry all our burdens: our daily fight against temptation and sin, the painful joints and muscles, the complaining/demanding of young children, the continuous giving of our time for those we disciple, the loneliness that caregiving sometimes entails, the giving without getting much back in return. He has carried each of these griefs and sorrows (Isaiah 53:4), including the daily difficulties that threaten our joy. Friend, this is how your Jesus wants to serve you: by being your all sufficient God and by being the One who empowers your daily dying, which is ironically, your life-giving work.

 

And He may, like he did for me today, in the midst of this fight for faith and joy, serve you by providing a sister who being His hands and feet text you and say, "I'll watch the girls next week from 9-12. Pick the day." And you will remember--it truly is grace upon grace upon grace.

My story--part 2: The lesser waves in my daily life

On my last post, I shared the first part of my story and how the Lord is using motherhood to sharpen my theology of suffering. Today I want to share about the smaller waves that God sends daily to throw me on the Rock of Ages.

In my life, daily kind of suffering manifests itself in different ways. I experience physical weakness regularly. Little by little I have learned to manage my symptoms, but I still deal with swollen joints, painful muscles,  and exhaustion (though I am also a mom to two girls who 3 and 1, so I think being tired is just part of our job description!).

Recently I have figured out that I have an autoimmune condition (still trying to get to the bottom of this). I have had to limit my food intake to figure out what foods I am sensitive to that may be irritating my autoimmune system. The list of foods I am sensitive to has grown a lot. Feeding myself sometimes feels like such a feat since most of the food I tolerate has to be cooked from scratch.

Not only can it be frustrating to spend so much time in the kitchen each day, but the Lord has also taken away a lot of the options for comfort food. I have had to give up my beloved chocolate almost in its entirety, coffee, and all kinds of ice cream. This would be a topic to write about all on its own.

Sometimes the things that are hard for us have to do with our past experiences and expectations we might have.  As you probably know, I left my home in the DR to marry my husband. In the DR you grow up and spend all your life in the same place. Not only are you close to your parents and siblings but also aunts and uncles and cousins. You get to enjoy family constantly and the proverbial village is involved in raising your family. My whole family is still in the D.R. God has been very kind to me in giving me a sense of rootedness with my husband and in the church He has planted us in. But especially now with our girls being the age they are I so miss having grandparents and aunts living close by (my husband’s family lives about 6 hours away). I sometimes find myself daydreaming what it would be like to be able to call my mom or sister and say, “I had a rough night. Could I drop the girls off??” knowing they would jump at such a chance of taking care of them! There have been quite a few mornings when as my husband leaves to go to work, tears roll off my cheeks because I don’t want to be left alone taking care of our sweet daughters all day, especially those days when my symptoms are flared up.

It also is extremely common in the D.R. to have hired help more than once a week. Living in the States now, where such a thing would be a luxury, it has at times been hard to readjust to the idea of homemaking and how all of the responsibility falls mainly on me (even though my husband is wonderfully helpful). Of course I am more used to it now, but it has been a process!

Are these unbearable kinds of suffering? Not really. The Lord has made me glad where my portion has fallen. I am tenderly loved by a man that loves Christ and His kingdom deeply. Our church has been a means of showing us the love and kindness of Jesus and has become in many ways home for our family. Community life is wonderful and we really experience rich one anothering in sweet ways.

But through these circumstances, the Lord is reorienting my longings and the source of my joy. He has shown me that Jesus is enough when comfort food is not an option. He often reminds of me a Wedding Feast I am looking forward to where Christ himself will serve me an scrumptious meal that will lead me to worship Him and enjoy HIM forever! (Can hardly wait!) He is also making me increasingly aware that He alone is my hope, as I navigate food sensitivities. How quickly I want to put my hope for health in my hands or food I eat. Even as I seek to be a good steward of my body and health, I can not control the outcome. My day to day is in the Lord's hands--I can limit what foods I have but He decides how soon I will see effects. He knows the weakness I need  and for how long.

Through my daily trials the Lord has opened my eyes to the privilege of being with Jesus every day as my husband goes to work and I am left “alone.” If he didn’t go to work each morning or if my mom was down the street I wouldn’t get to taste that Christ is truly with me. I often want the comfort of my husband's strong arms and reassuring presence in my day to day. But what I ultimately truly need and really long for is the real, abiding presence of Jesus "in whom [and with whom] I actually live and move and have my being" (Acts 17: 28).

As I deal with physical pain and fatigue, our Lord has been teaching me to embrace weakness. I couldn’t believe the title of a book by J.I. Packer, “Weakness is the Way: Life with Christ our Strength." Weakness IS the way. Because of our union with Christ, it is His power which powerfully works in us. Christ's strength is irrevocably our own. What an astounding truth and what a comfort to this heart of mine. There is no need for me to be ashamed of my weaknesses and the limitations God has given me in skill and circumstances. If I had all the energy in the world, if homemaking came naturally to me and I had all the help I wish at my fingertips, I wouldn’t know what it means to boast in my weakness so the power of Christ rests in me. But as it is, I am blessed because “my strength is in [the Lord]” (Psalm 84: 5). 

The Lord parents us as we are parenting our children. Think about a moment when you looked at your child and you felt like your heart would explode with love. You were in awe that this precious son or daughter was yours. Can you believe that God has this kind of delight in you? Prov. 3: 12 says He does! And because He loves us with such fierce love He faithfully allows whiny and complaining children, messy toddlers, sick children, teething babies, busy schedules, late night conversations with our teens, sleep deprivation, food sensitivities, and chronic pain to gently train us.

Now, I would love to hear from you. What are the smaller waves in your life? What is God using to make you despair of your strength? What verses feed your hope in Jesus as you go through your day? Maybe you are not married and have no children of your own, but you are discipling younger women, and bearing spiritual children in the Lord. How are you experiencing weakness? And in that, how is Christ giving you His strength?