Recently I have figured out that I have an autoimmune condition (still trying to get to the bottom of this). I have had to limit my food intake to figure out what foods I am sensitive to that may be irritating my autoimmune system. The list of foods I am sensitive to has grown a lot. Feeding myself sometimes feels like such a feat since most of the food I tolerate has to be cooked from scratch.
Not only can it be frustrating to spend so much time in the kitchen each day, but the Lord has also taken away a lot of the options for comfort food. I have had to give up my beloved chocolate almost in its entirety, coffee, and all kinds of ice cream. This would be a topic to write about all on its own.
Sometimes the things that are hard for us have to do with our past experiences and expectations we might have. As you probably know, I left my home in the DR to marry my husband. In the DR you grow up and spend all your life in the same place. Not only are you close to your parents and siblings but also aunts and uncles and cousins. You get to enjoy family constantly and the proverbial village is involved in raising your family. My whole family is still in the D.R. God has been very kind to me in giving me a sense of rootedness with my husband and in the church He has planted us in. But especially now with our girls being the age they are I so miss having grandparents and aunts living close by (my husband’s family lives about 6 hours away). I sometimes find myself daydreaming what it would be like to be able to call my mom or sister and say, “I had a rough night. Could I drop the girls off??” knowing they would jump at such a chance of taking care of them! There have been quite a few mornings when as my husband leaves to go to work, tears roll off my cheeks because I don’t want to be left alone taking care of our sweet daughters all day, especially those days when my symptoms are flared up.
It also is extremely common in the D.R. to have hired help more than once a week. Living in the States now, where such a thing would be a luxury, it has at times been hard to readjust to the idea of homemaking and how all of the responsibility falls mainly on me (even though my husband is wonderfully helpful). Of course I am more used to it now, but it has been a process!
Are these unbearable kinds of suffering? Not really. The Lord has made me glad where my portion has fallen. I am tenderly loved by a man that loves Christ and His kingdom deeply. Our church has been a means of showing us the love and kindness of Jesus and has become in many ways home for our family. Community life is wonderful and we really experience rich one anothering in sweet ways.
But through these circumstances, the Lord is reorienting my longings and the source of my joy. He has shown me that Jesus is enough when comfort food is not an option. He often reminds of me a Wedding Feast I am looking forward to where Christ himself will serve me an scrumptious meal that will lead me to worship Him and enjoy HIM forever! (Can hardly wait!) He is also making me increasingly aware that He alone is my hope, as I navigate food sensitivities. How quickly I want to put my hope for health in my hands or food I eat. Even as I seek to be a good steward of my body and health, I can not control the outcome. My day to day is in the Lord's hands--I can limit what foods I have but He decides how soon I will see effects. He knows the weakness I need and for how long.
Through my daily trials the Lord has opened my eyes to the privilege of being with Jesus every day as my husband goes to work and I am left “alone.” If he didn’t go to work each morning or if my mom was down the street I wouldn’t get to taste that Christ is truly with me. I often want the comfort of my husband's strong arms and reassuring presence in my day to day. But what I ultimately truly need and really long for is the real, abiding presence of Jesus "in whom [and with whom] I actually live and move and have my being" (Acts 17: 28).
As I deal with physical pain and fatigue, our Lord has been teaching me to embrace weakness. I couldn’t believe the title of a book by J.I. Packer, “Weakness is the Way: Life with Christ our Strength." Weakness IS the way. Because of our union with Christ, it is His power which powerfully works in us. Christ's strength is irrevocably our own. What an astounding truth and what a comfort to this heart of mine. There is no need for me to be ashamed of my weaknesses and the limitations God has given me in skill and circumstances. If I had all the energy in the world, if homemaking came naturally to me and I had all the help I wish at my fingertips, I wouldn’t know what it means to boast in my weakness so the power of Christ rests in me. But as it is, I am blessed because “my strength is in [the Lord]” (Psalm 84: 5).
The Lord parents us as we are parenting our children. Think about a moment when you looked at your child and you felt like your heart would explode with love. You were in awe that this precious son or daughter was yours. Can you believe that God has this kind of delight in you? Prov. 3: 12 says He does! And because He loves us with such fierce love He faithfully allows whiny and complaining children, messy toddlers, sick children, teething babies, busy schedules, late night conversations with our teens, sleep deprivation, food sensitivities, and chronic pain to gently train us.
Now, I would love to hear from you. What are the smaller waves in your life? What is God using to make you despair of your strength? What verses feed your hope in Jesus as you go through your day? Maybe you are not married and have no children of your own, but you are discipling younger women, and bearing spiritual children in the Lord. How are you experiencing weakness? And in that, how is Christ giving you His strength?
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